| It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. |
| Eighty percent of success is showing up. |
| Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. |
| I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. |
| If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. |
| More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. |
| Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. |
| It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. |
| Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind. |
| When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. |
| I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. |
| Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. |
| The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. |
| Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. |
| I am at two with nature. |
| Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. |
| I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead. |
| I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven. |
| It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. |
| I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. |
| On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. |
| The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. |
| At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time. |
| Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. |
| Thought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage. |
| Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. |
| Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered |
| What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. |
| Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. |
| I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. |
| How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter |
| How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size |
| His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. |
| As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. |
| I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. |
| I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. |
| I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. |
| It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. |
| If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. |
| If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. |
| It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. |
| The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. |
| Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. |
| Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. |
| Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. |
| Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. |
| Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. |
| My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. |
| There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman |
| The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. |
| To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. |
| When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. |
| What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists |
| You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. |
