| Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. |
| With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke. |
| Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with. |
| We are all here for a spell get all the good laughs you can. |
| I traveled a good deal all over the world, and I got along pretty good in all these foreign countries, for I have a theory that it's their country and they got a right to run it like they want to. |
| There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. |
| What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds. |
| I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. |
| There is good news from Washington today. Congress is deadlocked and can't act. |
| Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. |
| The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it. |
| The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know. |
| Don't let yesterday take up too much of today. |
| You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. |
| If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out |
| Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. |
| We have the best Congress money can buy. |
| I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat |
| Every man is ignorant - just on different subjects. |
| So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. |
| Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth. |
| Never let yesterday use up too much of today. |
| We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. |
| The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the President' |
| It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts. |
| I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his money. |
| Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead. |
| If any of us had a child that we thought was as bad as we know we are, we would have cause to start to worry. |
| The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation. I never yet talked to the man who wanted to save time who could tell me what he was going to do with the time he saved. |
| I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. |
| Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it. |
| Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House |
| I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. |
| Nothing you can't spell will ever work. |
| I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. |
| Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. |
| An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. |
| This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. |
| The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself. |
| The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them. |
| Politics is applesauce. |
| Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators. |
| On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. |
| Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. |
| There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators. |
| Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth. |
| The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best. |
| We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it. |
| Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. |
| There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education. |
| The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. |
| See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails |
| Well, all I know is what I read in the papers. |
| Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. |
| I bet you if I had met him Trotsky and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like. |
| You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. |
| Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is. |
