| Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. |
| Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. |
| The controversial overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. |
| Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. |
| Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. |
| Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. |
| The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive-you are leaking. |
| If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract -- teach him to deduct. |
| All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. |
| Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. |
| Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. |
| I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. |
| Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. |
| I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. |
| If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail. |
| I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not. |
| Food is an important part of a balanced diet. |
| In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. |
| No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. |
| My favorite animal is steak. |
| Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special. |
| Humility is no substitute for a good personality. |
| Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. |
| The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. |
| Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. |
